Baa Baa White Sheep
Whew! What a week! What a close call with Father Baa Baa White Sheep.
You and I, my darling, not only saved our Glorious and Great Leader from his biggest PR disaster (so soon after the Trash Ghai disaster), but he came out looking a WINNER.
The public don't realize what a difficult job this is.
I mean, how DO you convince the overseas media that the Prime Minister of Fiji would NEVER NEVER NEVER call a white Australian missionary a "f#%ked up priest" and order him out of the country.
Then, THE VERY NEXT DAY, change his mind and magnanimously let him stay till the end of the year.
We all know Our Leader does not mind changing his mind; he’s a bit of a girl in that way. He has been doing that for six years already and EVERYBODY accepts it (heh heh, you and I know that the REAL MINDS behind him do not change).
But Baa Baa's treatment got even Fiji Spin readers to complain, when all they usually do, thank God, is write about rugby, LTA and the roads.
I had to remind Our Leader what a wonderful asset Baa Baa is for our local and international credibility. Indeed, how important ALL WE WHITES are.
ABC or Radio NZ could not care less about Pacific dictators being supported by any darky or chinko covered with tons of unearned medals and ribbons- this happens every day in Africa and Asia.
But a WHITE person supporting a DARK DICTATOR is VERY convincing.
We whites, not just Baa Baa White Sheep, but also Queen Antonia, Burnadebt Rounders, Beater Thumpason, Winsome Tommygirl, Christ of Pride, Robbing Barrow, Drooling Tarte, Raving Alms, Livid Pflogger, Crazy Wolf, Dithering Rabies, are all worth our weight in gold (not to mention all the Johnny Come Latelys who have come and gone over the last six years).
Father Baa Baa is moreover a Catholic priest, and don't we know how well Catholics and Arch Boozeer Mutter Ca have served Our Leader so well since 2006. (Hee hee, there will be more to come from them in our Convoluted Assembly).
The uppety Methodists have been taught a lesson- they are not the only ones with Christ on their side.
Baa Baa has written many speeches for Arch Boozer Mutter Ca, supporting our Leader with "development theology" theory – very appropriately countering the boring democracy pedagogues.
Baa Baa has presented a good "pro-worker" front for our Glorious Leader in battling to improve the wages of the poorest workers (thank goodness, the Wages Councils were totally "f#@ked up", with a bit of help from Dicky Shitto and his gang).
Baa Baa has been building houses for the poor (pity the poor cannot afford the Housing Authority houses, not even the planned Waila mansions which will have free swimming pools courtesy of the weather every now and then).
Baa Baa even looks after the defenseless homeless children. (Did you see the photo of the children sitting on Baa Baa's lap? (Ooh, that would give the Australian Catholic Church a shiver).
Most important of all, Baa Baa has always called Our Leader "the Prime Minister" even when he was being given the boot. I mean, the international media trust a white Catholic missionary to know the difference between a real elected Prime Minister and a treasonist.
Oh, how exhilarating that just a few naughty words from Our Leader and Baa Baa abjectly apologized for misunderstanding the oh so complex language used by our erudite Leader.
In case the international media had not got the message, Baa even apologized through Crazy Wolf's toilet paper blog AND through Dithering Rabies' Pacific Poop and pleaded:
"I continue to hope that a positive way forward for Fiji will be found and the vision originally proposed by the PM will become a reality".
Just as well that Baa Baa did not remind us how his six years of experience with the Wages Councils showed clearly the effect of Our Leader's vision for living standards of poor people!
It is unfortunate darling Grubby, that the international media just do not trust any words coming from Qorvis and I am afraid even you are now tainted, because you also admitted (you silly boy) that you work for Qorvis for "filthy lucre" (but there, there, don't worry, so do I).
The world however knows that Father Baa Baa works only under instruction from God and His representative on earth, and his only objective is the good of Fiji. For us, hee hee hee, he does not cost us a cent but achieves far more than Qorvis who we have to pay a million a year (I am sure we can renegotiate that contract).
SOO many people wrote in support of Baa Baa even in the Fiji Spin when all they usually write about is rugby and Bollywood.
Hence, my dearest Grubby, I cannot emphasize enough the value to our Great Leader of having the public support of important religious people like Father Baa Baa, Arch Boozer Mutter Ca, Father Voter Alms, Comelash AreYouHere, Dimwit Chunder MahaRag, Hasheesh Khan.
(Darling Grubby, can you think up a strategy for that turn-coat Rev Squealer- does our Glorious Leader have any dirt on him, you think? We need to shut him up.)
We also need to make sure that the media keep seeing pictures of Our Two Great and Glorious Leaders being sucked up to by Hurricane Puncha, Kountthecash PoohCity, Dicky Shitto, Nailing Patel, Noor Baneful Aleach.
Before I forget, remind Father Baa Baa to recant all his speeches where he accused our Great and Glorious Leader of being controlled by these "greedy crony capitalists".
We are going to need all these brown nosers in the Convoluted Assembly to jump through the hoops, just like they did in the NCBBF. You MUST approach John Smarmy to come back to guide the Assembly- just increase his fees if he is reluctant- we will take it out of the Qorvis budget.
Anyway, dear Grubby, your next job will be to ferret out (ooh, I can see your beautiful nose doing that) why all THESE uppety brown nosers are no longer publicly hovering around Our Leader, twenty four seven.
In the meantime, I will drop a delicate hint to dear homely Merely Bananas about encouraging Our Leader to use a bit more deodorant. I am sure Kountthecash PoohCity will send her a carton FOC tomorrow.
But first, we MUST pay our respects to our own case of Cab Shazz to celebrate our VICTORY.
We can also discuss who are the new set of fools who will "volunteer" to come to the Convoluted Assembly so as to rubber-stamp our Second Great Leader's constitution.
Waiting for you darling, with my Glorious red hair all permed up, just the way you like it.
Your dearest relieved, and oh SO happy,
Hugs and Kisses
PS This is to inform the public that this letter is a piece of fiction intended to highlight the stupidity and corruption of the Bainimarama junta. However, some of the people and events mentioned are real.