Well you have put me on the spot asking how I can be a True Believer of a compulsive liar. Being a master of spin I will answer this in a number of ways only one or none of which may be true.
1- I believe my own propaganda and I always say the Glorious Leader keeps his promises.
2- I am an idiot and I believe everything I am told.
3- I am not really a true believer, I was drunk when I wrote it but in the cold light of day and suffering from a God-awful hangover I regret that I ever said it.
4- From my days reporting for the BBC World Service I believed that Military Dictatorship is the best form of Government. My biggest regret in life was seeing the Berlin Wall fall and the Soviet Union falling with it.
5- The Glorious Leader does not lie because he believes what he says at the time.
6- The Glorious Leader does not lie because he is just a puppet and repeats what he is told by the True Leader, Aiyarse. As he has no free will, it is not really lying.
7- They are not really lies if nobody believes them
8- Any man who gives away 120 pairs of gumboots to children has to be a Glorious Leader or have a rubber fetish.
9- I believe that his plan to turn Fiji into a true multiracial democracy is on track and if he has to cut a few corners, tell a few lies, beat up a few people, jail a few politicians, destroy the culture of the Fijian people SO WHAT!
10- He showed me the video of the escaped prisoners being tortured and said the same would happen to me unless I do exactly as I am told by you, Shazzer.
11- I am an independent journalist who has won a Walkley and my opinion is worth more than anyone else’s in Fiji and I am always right and how dare you not be a true believer and only says nice things about Frankly Bananas for money. You should be ashamed of yourself and I will get you excommunicated and exiled to Cikobia.
I have started electioneering for the Glorious Leader. We have had some good meetings in the West where he has been giving away as much cheap stuff as possible and opening some minor developments. He opened a bus stop at Lautoka Wharf and I was very pleased with myself how I turned it into a major event.
“To my Government, there are no “small things” when it comes to the welfare of the people of Fiji. There are no “small things” when it comes to providing the infrastructure that allows our people to work and produce. There are no “small things” because there are no small people in Fiji,”
By the way my darling red haired Minx I am getting a bit scared and will be spending a lot more time in Sydney. It seems that the beginning of the end of my belief system is upon us. Three major events of open protestation have occurred this week.
LiceInTheHair GarySay, the true PM of Fiji, was released against the strict orders of the True Leader.
The UFDF (United Front for a Democratic Fiji) had their meeting and over 250 people turned up despite knowing they would be put on the military’s Torture Watch List.
Rockhard Naidu, that rather self satisfied lawyer spoke about the Rule of Law. I don’t know how he qualified to the bar because he does not understand the first thing about the Law. The law is whatever is decreed by the True Leader, Aiyarse. I also had to laugh when Maken ChowDryNoodles attacked the media for only printing what we tell them. Who does he think the media is more frightened of? Shazzer the fiery feisty flame haired vixen who has the power to send them to prison or a bunch of democrats.
The People and the Chief’s of Rewa came into Suva on Thursday and marched on the True Leader’s office. He of course ran and left it to a junior State Solicitor to meet with the delegation.
I am afraid that the regime cannot allow challenges to its righteous authority go unchallenged in that way. It is important that our leaders are seen to be standing up to this uneducated, law-breaking rabble.
Shazzer did you know Fiji’s Biggest Bank Robbery took place this week. I have not had time to read all about it but over $30m was stolen from the Reserve Bank. What I don’t understand is that the police do not seem to be investigating. Sorry I was being stupid. I have just realized my bonus will be paid from this heist.
Talking of money I have been looking at past invoices from Corevice. I see that in the first quarter of 2012 Corevice expenses were over $50,000 USD about $100,000 Fijian. I am pleased to see that since I came on board expenses have increased substantially. But you need to keep paying the cheques regularly as a large chunk is your expensive red habit: Wine and hair dye.
I hear Thickoitoga has had a heart attack and is shut up in hospital. Thank god for that, every time he opened his mouth he caused me a heart attack as you just never knew what drivel was going to pour forth. But from a money point of view it was bad news as I always picked up extra cheques for the crisis management.
I hope I have answered your questions dear Shazzer. We will have to meet up for some of my expense account red and I will tell you the real reason for my true belief.
This is to inform the public that this humorous letter is based on people and events that are real.
The new constitution is the bible of the Bananas Republic. Any criticism will be heresy and heretics get burnt at the stake. Please take note Chatter Sing, Maken ChowDryNoodles, Nick TheBeds and 2penny Barber (those were the days).
The criminals behind the Reserve Bank heist have been named as the Traitors Frankly Bananas and Aiyarse SideKar. The Governor said “They had 3,000 accomplices wearing camouflage who all pointed guns to my head.”