My darling Gwubby
Can you please quickly write a little speech for the Great and Glorious Leader who is going to France to personally receive the Airbus?
His poor PS (PeeOhThickoDourDour) is really flummoxed.
He just does not know how to justify the Prime Minister of Fiji going to France to "receive" the planes especially when the Fiji public knows too well that it is the Air Pacific Chief Pilot who should be going.
My spies are also telling me that there is a little grumbling going on that the Leader takes an overseas trip every chance he gets.
The ignorant Fiji public just have no idea how our Dear Great Leader gets a head-ache and nightmares every day while he is in Fiji- the economy, sugar disaster, the violence, the rapes, the suicides, what Ulukau is up to, and worst of all whether the new constitution will save him or not ..... the list is endless. He has to get away, the poor boy.
No. The public MUST be convinced that it is absolutely essential that only Commodore Bainimarama can receive the plane in Paris and make sure that all is OK.re to edit.
No, no Gwubby, of course he is not going to test fly them, he is not a pilot but a sailor,
In your speech, you have to make sure he asks the right kinds of technical questions so that the Airbus manufacturer knows that he is not just another tin-pot Third World dictator taking a free trip to Gay Paree at Airbus' expense.
Ooh, I had better check that the trip is paid for by Airbus as they had originally promised our Second Great Leader as a condition of our not buying those Dreamliners. I must also make sure that the trip includes our dear Merely Bananas who told me she has run out of French perfumes.
Anyway, I was wracking my poor tired brain about what intelligent questions Frankly Bananas could very reasonably ask the manufacturers to justify his going there, and I had a real brainwave- actually two.
First, make sure that in his speech he points out that from his primary school geography lessons, he knows that Fiji is in the middle of the Pacific ocean. So it vital to know at what speed (in knots of course) the Airbus will travel in water (on the off-chance of course that it has come down in the ocean).
Second important question, that as Minister of Finance he has learnt it is important for all national assets to be multi-functional: so how easy will it be for the RFMF to put a couple of machine guns on the airbus, in case there is a revolution in Fiji.
I mean, let us not forget, poor Assad, really had to use his guns on his own people (let us hope that it does not come to that).
In the meantime, dear Gwubby, I will keep working on PeeOhThickoDourDour to convince him that I would be a very good press secretary to accompany Our Great and Glorious Leader to France.
Oooh, I love those sexy garlic-smelling French men- they just LOVE redheads, especially after they have had lots and lots and lots of that great French wine and they won't know the difference between a delicate French mademoiselle and a tried and trusty trooper like me.
I of course, will strictly limit myself to a teensy weensy bit of the red drop (but make sure that Airbus brings a dozen cartons of the best Bordeaux for me (of course, you can have a bottle or two, my darling, but only if you write a good speech).
Darling Gwubby, one last reminder, make sure you do not put in any French words. You know that our Great and Glorious Leader is not too good at foreign languages, especially those used by these frogs.
Do make sure you include a line expressing the Leader's displeasure that the EU is still not co-operating with him, even though we switched our purchase from those Boeings made by the tricky Americans, to the French and EU Airbus. But it is not too late.
PS This is to inform the public that this letter is a piece of fiction intended to highlight the stupidity and corruption of the Bainimarama junta. However, some of the people and events mentioned are real.