I thought I was going to have a quiet week as all the bosos were overseas. Amazing Carr Crash even let The True Leader, Aiyarse, into Australia. I can understand it if he was going for a serious meeting somewhere but he was just off to get some Mediterranean sun on the Costa Del Sol in Spain.
But then the video nasty. First off it was released on Facebook by the constant thorn ChowDryNoodles Junior. And before you could boil a kettle it was all over the Internet. I think that is Fiji’s first viral video. Come on Grubby I thought the Internet was Qorvice’s speciality. I have asked you previously to shut up this jumped up little lawyer and you have failed to do so and now we suffer the consequences.
What I find hard to understand is that the Army and Police boys involved were all so dumb they thought it was a clever idea for them to video themselves committing a criminal act. Did you see the number of camera phones in use during the beatings? There were more phones than hose pipes.
I have had a conference call with Aiyarse and Frankly Bananas and we have come down with 3 possible scenarios to spin this to the world media.
1- Scenario 1
We say it was a fight between 2 local human trafficking gangs. The 2 crims in handcuffs had been captured by a rival gang. I know it is slightly complicated by the Government vehicle in the picture but NoValorHere, the Police Commissioner, has got someone who can forge some documents showing that it was stolen. The forger has had a cavity search by Major Ben NeverLeaveAHoleUntouched in the past and now does whatever he is told. He also knows that we will remove his tongue if he ever speaks a word of this skullduggery. It has to be said that threatening and abusing people makes the wheels of Government turn so smoothly.
2- Scenario 2
We will only use this one if the International outcry is too great. We will find the perpetrators, not the real ones you dummy, and we will charge them and lock them up for life in Naboro where they won’t be able to talk to anyone. It is vital that we protect the Army boys from any flack. Without their support the regime will fall and we need to show we support them in all things. So we are looking at mug shots of Prison Wardens to see which ones resemble the terrible thugs most. It won’t matter much to a warden, he will still be spending time in the same building just on the other side of the bars. They are also unable to do too much to destabilize the regime and as I said we need to keep the army and the police on our side.
3- Scenario 3
This is going to take some very careful organizing, skill and timing. But we are going to pretend that it was all part of a rehearsal for Fiji’s new Crime Drama being produced by RearArse at FBC. We have to come up with a name fast but it is going to be about undercover cops in Fiji fighting criminals. I have come up with some names but I think you highly paid spinmeisters from Qorvice should be able to come up with something.
No Valor Here - in honor of the highly esteemed Police Commissioner
Bananas’ Bugger Boys
Hose pipes are not just for gardening
Amputation – Diabetes or DireBeatings
The scenario for this scene that they were rehearsing using Camera phones (to keep costs down, after all the Fiji Broadcasts Crap is $22m in the red) was the undercover cops had been uncovered by the gang they had infiltrated and were being tortured by the criminals for information. Our brave cops reveal nothing except their genitals.
I have Florence Smarmy of the Fiji Audio Visual CompulsiveLiars on hand to say that there is a company providing funding for this drama. Div DamnI’mDumb will run trailers in Village 6 so we can build an authentic story pretty quick.
By the way if it all comes together there is a part which is perfect for you as it is about an over the hill awarding winning investigative journalist who is incapable of asking a question.
We all believe that Scenario 3 is the way forward as it makes us all look good. I know there will be some problems with pictures of weeping mothers in Friday’s papers. But we can force the Fiji Times to print an apology saying they were tears of joy as young Benedito had just got his first acting role thanks to my support of the Yellow Ribbon Campaign.
I also need your maximum help on this as on September 25th last year I foolishly sent out the following Media Release on police brutality.
‘The Fijian Government does not condone the excessive force used in the apprehension of recaptured prisoners who escaped from Naboro Prison on Monday night.
Permanent Secretary Sharon Smith Johns says such incidents are unfortunate and the government makes it clear that behaviour of this nature is unacceptable and it is investigating the circumstances.’
Obviously no investigation has ever taken place and I need you to help me cover my substantial RearArse.
Get back to me soonest with your thoughts. I will be late in the office tonight so call me any time.
I was just about to send the letter and then there was Scenario 4 which had never been discussed with anyone. Commodore Frankly Banananas comes out on the radio and says “At the end of the day, I will stick by my men, by the police officers or anyone else that might be named in this investigation. We cannot discard them just because they’ve done their duty in looking after the security of this nation and making sure we sleep peacefully at night.” So he comes right out with it and says it is the duty of Police Officers and soldiers to beat defenseless individuals, to maim, cripple and kill them all in the name of duty.
Sometimes Grubby I think I was given a sign in 2010 and I should never have come back to Fiji. I have lied, cheated and humiliated myself to give the dictator a veneer of respectability and to make him look like a democrat. But in one moment of complete stupidity he throws it all out of the window and basically says. “I don’t believe in the rule of law, I believe in the rule of thugs and I am the biggest thug!”
I can see how this happened. He went to the National Stadium to play a game of touch Rugby. He fantasized that he scored the winning try in the Sukuna Bowl. He felt he was a hero and invincible. So he picks up the phone calls his mate Vaj NoIroning of PM 56 and goes off on some off the cuff justification for those terrible beatings.
You contrast that arrogant rant from the Glorious Leader and compare it to the dignified response from Benedito’s father. A soldier of 29 years, who in all his years of service had never seen such torture, Looking to see justice for his son and the torturers to appear in court and answer for their inhumane treatment of Benedito.
The repercussions around the world will be devastating. This will affect tourism, investment this is going to set the economy right back and gives our enemies any number of excuses for attacking us.
Grubby, I am right on the verge of packing it all in. Please get over here now with a case of Shiraz. We have some serious drinking to do.
Hugs and Kisses
I ask your forgiveness if I have offended you with the contents of this latest letter unless you are a member of the brutal regime in which case as Frankly would say F@!ck You!.
This is to inform the public that this letter is a piece of fiction. However, some of the people and events mentioned are real.
This video did not even raise an eyebrow at Qorvice. They are used to watching and spinning videos of the type for many of their other brutal clients such as Bahrain, Sri Lanka, Saudi Arabia, Kurdistan and Equatorial Guinea.