I am very concerned about the state of the regime. On the surface all is looking great. We are on track to have a new constitution in about a month. The support for the Commodore in rural areas is overwhelming. The MSG countries love us and we have all got brand new limos courtesy of the Chinese Government. We will have to give the back seat a bit of a road test one night. Apparently it has a button to firm up the ride. I wish you had one of those Grubby.
But I have this nagging feeling that all is not well with the regime. In fact I think the house of cards is all going to come tumbling down by the end of the year. It was a big mistake to register the political parties. Now they are legal I am afraid Maken ChowDryNoodles will boil over with anger. The overseas Unions are trying to get involved by telling the world that this not really a paradise but a country filled with CoupCoupNuts.
I don’t know what I am going to do when the regime falls because I will be out of a job. No one in Fiji or Australia will ever employ me again. No one will want a propagandist from a failed state. The immediate reaction will be she can’t be much good if the propaganda did not work. Not to mention that I am obviously lacking a moral compass. You will be n the same boat because no one will want to hire an independent journalist who can be bought for a dollar and a bit of flattery.
So I have decided to make as much money as I possibly can in the next few months and I was wondering if you want to join my cunning scheme. I have talked to Aunty No Banks Allowed and she has got her nephew DUMB aiyASS on side. The Glorious Leader has been talking about what we can create that the Fijian people can carry with them all the time to remind them of the Glory of Frankly Bananas. Chairman Mao had his little red book. Adolf Hitler had Mein Kampf (This was ghost written by HRH Madam Nazihat Von Shameondtme’s Mother’s Brother’s Father’s Uncle). Frankly Bananas will have something more suitable for a dictator in the modern era. He is going to have Frankly Bananas Ringtones.
I have taken some of his best speeches and I have turned excerpts from them into ringtones. I have produced a selection and I would like you to listen and download them and tell me what you think. Where you become part of this scheme is in the future when you are writing the Glorious Leaders speeches please make sure that you include sections that can easily be turned into ringtones. Type to the Riiiiiing Riiiiiiiing rhythm.
Click here to listen to the Ringtones
Or Download them by clicking on the links below.
Frankly bananas - Whose Arse.mp3
Frankly bananas - Commander Please Get Out.mp3
Frankly bananas - The PM is a bus driver.mp3
Frankly bananas - Rubbish Constitution.mp3
Frankly bananas - RFMF Nothing but Rubbish.mp3
Frankly bananas - I Do Not Know.mp3
Frankly bananas - Errrrr UHmmmmm AHhhhh.mp3
The True Leader, DUMB aiyASS will write a new decree which will make it compulsory for all phones in Fiji to have a Frankly Bananas Ring Tone. This is where we are going to make the money. The Ring Tones will each be sold at $4.95 and the people will be forced to have a new ring tone every month. In addition if anyone is caught using any other ringtone they will face an automatic fine of $10,000 and up to 3 years in the new Cultural Reprogramming Center being built at the bottom of Reservoir road.
Nur Banks Allowed will set up the untraceable offshore accounts and she is offering a bulk deal which is why I need you to take part. She gave me some provisional numbers and we both can expect to earn $1m a month.
The Glorious Leader is very excited because he is hosting a meeting of GOD (Group of Dictators) meeting in Fiji this week. He is very interested in the topics for once because there are going to be a number of workshops very relevant to hm and his colleagues.
Aunty will be giving one on Money Laundering.
The President of Bolivia is delivering the keynote on maximizing cocaine production in the tropics. Under the new Land Use decree the Glorious Leader is planning on taking over the Sigatoka valley and turning it into his own personal Coca plantation. He will make billions because under the decree he does not have to pay them any lease money.
Kim Il Jung of North Korea will deliver a second keynote titled “Ballistic missiles a key weapon in the smuggler’s Arsenal”. Apparently for a small fee he will deliver all the cocaine the Glorious Leader can produce, by missile, direct to Manhattan and LA.
I have to dash to NotaDollar Resort where I am attending God’s Cocktail party.
Hugs and Kisses
This is to inform the public that this letter is a piece of fiction. However, the people and events mentioned are real.
Whose Arse is a term that was commonly heard below decks on navy ships.
Fiji is hosting the GOD meeting at NotaDollar and the people of Fiji are praying that NotaDollar More will be borrowed by Frankly Bananas.