Dear Miss Smut Jobs
I shall not refer to you as dear or "darling Shazzer" or "darling red-hot red-head", as the Gwubby Davis does.
You know that I am not inclined "that way" towards you, and thank God, never ever will be. I do wonder at Gwubby's tastes.
These public familiarities between you and Gwubby, are also not befitting my eminent position in Fiji as Chief Injustice.
I write to you to express my concern at your unseemly, sordidly publicized and excessive preoccupation with this "hired PR hand" Gwubby Davis.
As Secretary of MissInformation, you seem to forget that there are other great performances taking place in support of the Glorious Leader and the True Leader, namely myself.
You have given me no publicity whatsoever, choosing instead to devote reams and reams of words for an over the hill PR hack who has no original contribution whatsoever.
Whereas I, and my hired hands, are providing the solid legal foundation for our Glorious Leaders's efforts, without which this country might quickly sink into Constitutionality and Law and Order. Uggh. How distasteful that would be.
Let me remind you of a few of my contributions, Miss Smut, as you seem to have no appreciation whatsoever.
Without my assuming the Chief Injustice position, we would not have been able to bring down the great judgment by myself, Justice BurnInHell, and Justice Pathetic that the removal of the Qarase Government was totally legal, and not an illegal treasonous coup, as a few misguided fools in Fiji and abroad alleged.
Then, when that silly Court of Appeal ruled against our judgment, we were quite happy to provide sound advice to the Glorious Leader to simply throw out the 1997 Constitution, whatever that John Smarmy/Mataca's Charter stated.
This we also engineered through that senile President HeeloHeelo who kept mumbling and signing whatever we wrote for him.
We also were quite prepared to throw out all those unprofessional Australians and New Zealand judges who protested against the 2009 abrogation of the 1997 Constitution.
Ooh, I was so glad, it gave me an opportunity to bring in fresh young talent from my lovely playground in Sri Lanka, all personally vetted by me.
They also were quite happy to implement whatever law my dear boy in the Attorney General's Office devised as Decrees.
A problem here, there a problem, everywhere a problem. No problem.
We simply promulgated a Decree here, there a Decree, everywhere a Decree.
My handsome Bollywood boy and his side kick Prissy Cried were so smart to insist in every Decree that it could not be challenged in court.
AND that any case before the court MUST be thrown out by my personally chosen Registrar, yet another lovely from Sri Lanka.
Of course, all Decrees have since been signed and sealed by that lovely pliant tall boy, Ratu Epeli NellieTheCow. (I just love the way he spanks my bottom).
Whenever my lovelies from Sri Lanka did not want to play ball with me us, no worries, we quickly sent them packing, without a bleat from the Fiji Law Society. Ha ha ha.
Most important all these appointees of ours, thank God, have no idea of the difference between the "Rule of Law" and "Rule by Law", as that whipper-snapper Rockhard Naidoo was bleating on the other day (Sigh. I must admit he has such a sweet face.)
But our legal boys and girls, know there is only ONE Law- OUR Law.
Which must be implemented without question, whether or not it conforms to International Law, human rights or even basic legal principles.
As long as it supports our right to do whatever we want to do.
Thank goodness that the law graduates from the University of the Stupid People do not listen to the likes of Rockhard Naidoo.
They are happily trained by their law lecturers to think they are special, parade around on campus and in town like penguins in white and black, and sweetly listen to my annual hypocritical lectures when I admit them to the Bar. Ha ha ha. They would hear better things at a real bar.
Why, none of them even ask me, why am I still presiding over a judiciary and a new constitution making process by an illegal military dictatorship, when in 2001 I had soundly declared:
"It is not possible for any man to tear up the Constitution.... The Constitution remains in place until amended by Parliament..... Judges should remember their oaths of judicial office to uphold the Constitution.
Ha ha ha ha ha.No lawyer ever challenges me when I make these grand speeches today about how without us, Fiji would have descended into utter chaos.
I mean, where WAS Fiji for the last 150 years before we came along as God's Gift to Law and Order in Fiji?
You get the point, Miss Smut.
So stop gallivanting around with that Grubby Davis.
It is time you did some public relations work for we legal heroes, who are the necessary foundation of the Glorious Leader’s Revolution in Fiji.
This must be done before I make the next recruitment drive to Sri Lanka, as I do feel that I need new talent in Fiji and also a few of my boys and girls are getting "cold feet". You know what I mean.
PS: I am sorry this was a stern letter but I hope we are still friends. I know you like to have a Queen, like me, to take shopping. Someone who gives better advice on soft fabrics than constitutional law. I did enjoy our last outing even if I was a bit tactless when I said you looked big in everything you tried on. It was a simple mistake as most of the boys I take shopping regard it as a compliment when I say they look BIG in their Speedos.
This is to inform the public that this letter is a piece of fiction. However, the people and events mentioned are real.