Dear Gwubby (not Darling, for this letter)
I am pissed off with you.
We are paying you big bucks to attack our critics as an "independent journalist" and glorify our Leaders.
And on your Grubshit, all you can do is a "Pictorial Essay of the Airbum?
And then you attack that useless wannabe Marc Edge who is already gone from our sight?
I remind you, this is in the same period when our Leaders have released our Great Clear Constitution? (our own GCC, ha ha ha)?
When our Glorious Leader has announced he will be bravely standing for elections and let the PEOPLE decide his future?
What kind of irrelevant rubbish are you descending to?
I have a whole Ministry of Misinformation doing pictures and all that moronic stuff.
For what CoreVice pays you, we can hire ten photographers for the whole year, and produce ten photo albums glorifying our Greatest Leader and our True Leader giving away so many goodies around the country.
Why would we pay you more than a hundred grand to put out 32 photos of the AirBum, wth not even one photo of me anywhere or of any important dignitary?
Have you run out of intellectual ideas? If that is so, let me know now, so I can look elsewhere.
We have already been shown up by that Professor WierdOne Narsey. We have to prepare for that other moronic Professor Cash Cow to attack our constitution, out of pique, of course, that we refuse to use HIS totally UNCLEAR one (especially on amnesty for our Great Leaders and us).
I am sorry I am steaming away at you.
You don't know how hard it is to be a WHITE woman, indeed the ONLY WHITE WOMAN in the corridors of power and the cocktail circuits.
How often I am the only WHITE WOMAN surrounded by these Fijian women- COUGARS IS TOO GOOD A WORD FOR THEM.
Have you seen how they behave when they get together? All the "Adis" and "First Ladies" with all their airs and graces thinking they are too good for me. How I hate these snooty Indian women, dripping with enough gold to fill Fort Knox, and their black hair all dyed blonde or red. (Sniff. sniff. My red hair is real and natural of course and has nothing to do with frequent visits to Trends).
Get them together, fuelled by a bit of alcohol and their real nature comes out.
They look at me, giggling and cackling away, and every now and then they give a big kaila. And when I go to join them suddenly there is silence and the laughter and smiles stop.
They think they are superior to me.
I know so many of them who have their toyboys on the side, while their husbands gallivant around the country with young girls. You know the prime example, don't you, who has the ear of her nephew, Nur BangOne InTheAlley?
How I hate these cougars who look down at me at these cocktail circuits which I unfortunately HAVE to attend to earn my living.
One of these days I will make public all the SMS messages I have had from their sly husbands who want a redhead on the side. Ugh.
Gwubby, we Australian Fijians must not let the side down because we are the superior race. Where would this country be without our propaganda and Queen Antonia’s very helpful verdicts?
I must admit, I have slipped a bit in the past but I have learnt my lesson.
I will get drunk only with a fellow white like you and my dear friend J (you know who). I will also make an exception for that Maori Lawyer Cameron DIAZaster
So Gwubby to come back to my gripe.
Stop attacking that useless Canadian- he is gone and nobody reads him, anyway.
I don't want to see another pictorial essay on your Grubshit.
I want you to write something deeply intellectual praising our Leaders' GCC (Great Clear Constitution).
You must also praise Our Glorious Leader's courage in announcing that he will stand in the next election and that he is just waiting to see who else will stand by him.
Ooh. I already have a great song for his campaign "Stand by Me".
We will need more songs, perhaps a few in Chinese for our secret backers.
Gwubby, go and read Our Great Clear Constitution and see what you can praise, on your Grubshit and on Professor Rabies' Pacific Poop.
It is no good coming from us in the Ministry of Misinformation- nobody will believe us.
So get to work, Gwubby.
Give us something of value, if you want any more fees from CoreVice, OR more Cab Shazz with me.
Your cross Shazzer
This is to inform the public that this letter is a piece of fiction. However, some of the people and events mentioned are real.